8 November 2014

I'm holding on for dear life...


Won't look down, won't open my eyes...
It's 11pm on a Friday night. I'm shattered. Then my mind involuntarily starts to overcompensate and thinks, thinks, thinks. Suddenly my heart rate starts to speed up, and I feel a bit sick.

I swallow, squeeze my eyes shut and whisper the mantra I often turn to in moments like this. "Positive. Positive. C'mon, stay positive. You've got this. It's gonna be okay."

I breathe, repeat this a few times, and try to work through it until I calm down.

Most of the time, panic and anxiety are like mini waves you get lapping against the shore. They are there, and they are constant, but they are manageable. Sometimes though, it mounts, and a huge wave takes you completely by surprise, and before you know it you've been caught up and thrown against the shore, feeling disorientated, a bit traumatised, and nauseous.

This is kind of my life right now. I know that unless I take things day by day, I'll have a full blown breakdown and never want move from my bed ever again.

Don't get me wrong, I completely stand by every word I wrote in my last post. But at the moment my life is so confusing, tricky and uncertain that it's difficult not to get caught up in everything. And sometimes all I want is a hug from my Mum.

For instance, I've booked tickets home for 23rd December... But that's the only thing that is definite between now and the new year (apart from my internship at Marie Claire, which finishes early December). I don't know what I'm going to do come December. I don't know if I'm completely mad doing this internship and being a month's rent in debt. I don't know if I'm completely barking applying for another unpaid internship in December when I can't afford it.

I don't know if any of this is worth it. I don't know if being in debt will eventually pay off. What if all this amounts to nothing, and all I'm left with is no savings and no job? I'm hoping that everything I'm doing is an investment in my future, but let's face it - it doesn't work out for everyone. And who's to say it's going to work out for me?

I'm sacrificing small indulgences which would make this process a lot easier - seeing my family and friends, treating myself to the odd takeaway, going on nights out, mini breaks, celebrating on new year's... I want to know: is it worth it? I'm only young once, and I'm worried - terrified - I'll look back on this time in my thirties and think "What on earth was I thinking?"

Because that's the thing... There isn't a way to know if it's going to be worth it. There isn't a way to guarantee that the money I've saved and spent will be replenished in the next few years. There isn't a way for future me to come back, equipped with a CĂ©line bag and perfectly applied red lipstick (two clear signs of success, obviously) to say "Keep doing what you're doing. It all works out - see?"

So yes, I do kind of feel like I'm currently standing on the edge of a really tall building, at the mercy of the elements and hoping a freak gust of wind doesn't push me off, throwing me towards my untimely (metaphorical) death. And it's scary, guys. Really scary. All I can do is hope for the best and try not to be sucked under all my thoughts of "what if", which can be really hard. Especially when so many of my friends are stable and successful. Or at least, they have a realistic plan... Which is more than I can say.

I guess all I'm saying is this "follow your dreams" lark isn't as straight-forward and romantic as it sounds, even less so when you have rent to pay and no trust fund. Even even less so when people look at you when you explain your circumstance as if you're crazy and you actually start to question whether you are.

If you need me, I'll be in bed, thinking happy thoughts, keeping absolutely everything crossed. 

Aaaaaand breathe.

Image: WeHeartIt
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2 comments

  1. Wishing you all the best of luck for the future lovely! I'm currently going through quite a bad anxiety time at the moment as well, to the point where looking forward just a month or two is sending me into a complete spiral. Just gotta breathe it out! Sending love xx

    Lauren x
    http://whatlaurendidtoday.blogspot.co.uk/

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    1. Hi again (slowly working through the comments I've received - bad blogger!). Sending love your way too, and hope things are going a bit better for you now.

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