18 April 2015

When will I stop making other people's successes into my failures?


We compare ourselves to others on social media every day. We see an old school acquaintance having a jolly old time and we think dammit, why aren't I having a jolly good time? My life sucks. Etc etc.

However, this goes beyond that, and it's making me into a bitter, sad, generally unpleasant person. On the outside I'm sweet, but on the inside I feel like I'm turning stale and rancid and plain icky. And I hate myself for it.

The worst thing about it is - I can see it happening. I can feel it happening. 

But I'm getting ahead of myself. What am I talking about?

I'm talking about how I make other people's successes into my failures. Whenever I hear a friend doing well, whether that's due to new job, a new boyfriend, or a fantastic opportunity that's arisen, I feel like I've failed in life.

A promotion? I'm still trying to get on the ladder
A boyfriend? The idea of dating = just no
You're going travelling? I'm going nowhere, fast

Before you click off this post thinking, Jesus Christ, it's finally happened, Sofie's turned into a twisted witch... THIS ISN'T ME!

The truth is, I'm so proud of how amazingly my friends are doing in the big, wide world. There's nothing better than seeing people who you think are the bee's knees do well because OTHER PEOPLE are acknowledging their jazziness.  I feel happy for them, I really do. It's not as if I want them to do badly in life. Not at all. Heck, I love bragging about them.

When things go right for my friends, I don't resent them, I resent myself. I feel angry and frustrated and like I need a stressball and keyboard that won't break if I aggressively pound on the keys. I want to scream WHEN WILL IT BE MY TIME and I WANT TO GO OUT FOR BRUNCH AND GO HOME AND NOT HOLD MY BREATH AS I CHECK MY BANK BALANCE. I want to not feel like a failure. As they become more successful, I feel less so.

I give myself all the #inspo, the "Don't compare their ending to your beginning" or whatever the phrase is. But we all know that's rubbish, right? Because at 23, they aren't at their end. And at 23, this isn't my beginning. Duh.

It's even gotten to the point that I half don't want my other intern friends to get jobs because then I'll be the LAST INTERN AND OMG, LOSER. I met a friend for coffee and catch-up last weekend and we were talking about being employed (the dream) and he said he wouldn't mind if I got a job, and I said I'd mind if he got a job and he said "I know." WHO AM I?!

So I don't really know where this post was meant to go. I guess it wasn't meant to have a particular destination or conclusion. To be honest, it's probably just another bout of unemployeditus. What I'm trying to say is this whole unemployment thing is slowly making me bitter, crazy and paranoid ("Do you think *so and so* has got a job yet?") and I don't like it, and I need to remember that it's not me. It's circumstance. And circumstance can be a real b*tch, sometimes. 

Sigh.


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4 comments

  1. I think it's natural to feel envious of other people's lives, especially our friends but don't compare it with where you are with yours. I always look at ways to better my life, feel inspired by other people's successes, once you start feeling great about yourself things can only go up :)

    Hanh x | hanhabelle

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  2. It's really hard to not compare yourself with other people your age. After college, I took a 3 year break before starting uni, and whilst it was completely the right thing for me to do, there are moments when I feel like I have to 'catch up' to my friends. I think the most important thing to do sometimes is to take a deep breath and to remember that you don't have to be doing what everybody else seems to be doing - we are all on our own timescale, and things will work out at different times for all of us. :)

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  3. Sofie-Eliza Price18 April 2015 at 18:25

    Hi Hanh! I'm planning to take some advice from a friend and do little things to make everyday easier and focus of myself (in a good way!). Thank you for reading :)

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  4. Sofie-Eliza Price18 April 2015 at 18:27

    You know what would make me feel even better? One of those suede skirts you mentioned on your blog you're planning to make ;) but seriously, it's nice hearing that I'm not the only one feeling "behind" everyone else!

    ReplyDelete

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