7 April 2016

Why dating apps are just not my jam

This post has been a long time coming because there is much hilarity/dismay over dating apps and a divide of opinion as to whether they are steadily killing romance with cheesy/sleazy openers, or a legitimate way to meet your future Mr or Mrs... But, I'm not a fan, and here's why.

There are so many out there, it's hard to keep track

I'm sorry, but I only have an old Samsung phone model with zero memory and every time I try to download a new one I have to delete the one I have the least success with... Or bully an iPhone friend into downloading it instead. Someone plz help a girl out.

Their pictures

For guys I find their main pictures fall into five main categories:
1. The "this does not sell me in any way" picture. 
2. The "I'm holding a cute dog/cat/baby" picture, ergo I can't be a f*ck boy, amirite?" picture. 
3. The "standing in front of the work toilet mirror selfie" picture. 
4. The "I'm a man of the world because I'm standing on a mountain" picture.
And not forgetting my personal fave...
5. The "I have a girlfriend now and this is my FB profile picture so it's synced up but I forgot to delete this app, awks" picture.

Your pictures

Is it meant to be a selfie or does that look vain? If I'm standing by myself does that look like I have no friends? Is it okay to use a year old picture because my hair doesn't look like that now? Do *I* look cliche if I have an image with my cat? Why is the sky blue? Why do I do this to myself? Etc etc

The expectation of new matches, erryday 

I don't fancy spending every evening swiping through these apps and getting thumb cramp when what I *really* want to be doing is ogling Matt Murdock's bod on Daredevil/channelling my inner Donna from Suits or y'know, reading, talking to people... anything, really

The messaging

Nothing is worse than when you match with someone, make the massive effort to message them and quickly discover they have zero chat. Bye, Felicia

The not messaging

Because you cba. Or they cba. This is particularly annoying on Bumble because you can see if/when they have read your message and simply decided not to respond *cue violins*

Accidental matches

When you swipe left and you meant to swipe right and you die a little inside. This is even worse if it's a work colleague, or a friend of a friend, or a friend's ex. Best remedied with a medicinal G&T.

Purposeful matches (that end up looking weird)

We've all been there with a guy friend or someone you knew from school. You're not attracted to them, but it's funny that you're both on there so you message something hilariously witty like "Haha, LOOK who it is". But then you realise it's really quite an odd thing to do and you've voluntarily initiated conversation. Abort! Abort! 

The ignorance of dating app incest
Huh, so you and your friend have been chatting to the same guy without knowing - cute!!!!!!

The pressure to *close*

A date has been suggested. You accept. And then comes the arranging. The time. The place. Are you into wine, or cocktails? The city, or just stay local? Getting all these details established as quickly as possible is essential, otherwise you're faced with having to tease them out over the course of the next few days and it makes you sound like you're SUPER KEEN (when really all you want to know is where you're getting your next mojito fix)

Not knowing who the heck they are

Sure, they come across okay on the app, but really, who is this person? We have no mutual friends. All I know if that they are MAYBE above 6 foot and have brown hair and can hold online conversation. Um.

People asking you about dating apps

Because even though 99.9% of single people probably have at least one dating app installed on their phone, it is still VERY awkward to openly talk about the fact you're on them

People asking about how many dates you've been on from dating apps

"Oh, look, something more interesting!" *hides under desk*

"Putting yourself out there"

A phrase that makes me want to dry heave... 
Dating apps are a way to make it SEEM like you're happy to see what's out there (because God forbid you're actually happy being single) without having to commit to anything (because if you really want to find a boyfriend/girlfriend you are "desperate")

The dishonesty

Because if everyone *was* honest about their feelings towards Tinder/Happn/Bumble/Grindr, they would probably admit that everyone has a love-hate relationship with dating apps and that no one really wants to be on them because meeting face-to-face is so much better but hey, everyone else is doing it so why not and I might get some free drinks out of it. If I can be bothered to send them a message, which 98% of the time, I'm not. I'd rather go to bed. The end.

Feeling ya, Kanye...

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